Thursday, July 30, 2009

corner view: best kept secret

i think i might have build up a momentum for this corner view, one i'm afraid i cannot live up to. oops. sorry about that :)

so, i said i would go and buy the ingredients for this - tasty - best kept secret of mine. but i didn't. i skipped grocery shopping yesterday because i was too tired. and the reason why i was tired? well, i realized that the reason why i was so tired, is in fact one of the best kept secrets about me. ohhh. and it's a dark one. ooohhhh. literally.


i have a thing with dark, quiet nights. not very often and not always, but sometimes i have this fear of falling asleep when it's dark and quiet, and i'm all alone. which i hardly am anymore, since we're a family of five.

the summer when i was 19 and just finished high school, i was living on my own. that summer, one night, i had this dream, or feeling, like i was caught in that very moment, when you're just falling asleep, but not yet. this weird moment that you don't realize is there, unless you suddenly become aware of it, and then it's already gone. this night i got aware of it, but it didn't go away. i felt awake in a dream. and someone was in the room with me, but i couldn't move. my body had frozen. i couldn't turn around, shake myself out of it.

i am still wondering if i was frozen from fear, because i was scared beyond believe. or if the whole thing was a dream, that wouldn't let go and only faded ever so slowly, leaving me with a pounding heart and shaking hands. and this deep fear of being caught in that moment again. and sometimes that fear reappears. the fear of fearing.

i have later settled with the believe that i had a good old-fashioned anxiety attack, probably due to all the stress a kid feels when high school is over and the "real" life is set to begin.

that summer i mostly stayed awake until dawn if i was on my own. luckily it was summer, so lot's of summerhouses and vacation gave me the company of family and friends. and those nights i would be on my own, well, thank god i was in denmark, where the first light of dawn appears before 4 in the morning during the summer.

but once in a blue moon this fear of falling asleep returns. i never really talk about it, so most people don't know. the next day the fear is almost as faded and impossible to grasp as those dreams that are caught on the tip of your tongue. but it really hardly ever happens anymore. and anyway, the bedroom looks so peaceful and soft in the early morning light.


these last two nights, being alone with the kids, i had this fear again. not big time (it helps being a tired mom). nevertheless it just felt darker and more quiet than usual in the house after the kids went to sleep. and i somehow managed to postpone bed time, despite being worn out. and when i did go to bed, my senses were all over the place.

last night i dozed off around 2, i think. then around 3 j woke and i gave him water to drink. and i asked if he wanted to sleep in our bed. while listening to him breathing, quietly, i felt at peace. and i slept good the rest of the night. but a little part of me almost felt ashamed. like it wasn't fair to use my baby to keep my own fears away in the dark night. does it make any sense?

want more secrets? there are plenty to dive into:

jane, ladybug-zen, ian, bonnie, esti, sophie, cele, modsquad, caitlin, joyce, ani, kim, a day that is dessert, natsumi, epe, kaylovesvintage, trinsch, c.t., jeannette, outi, ritva, francesca, state of bliss, jennifer, dana, denise, cabrizette, bohemia girl, dianna, isabelle, amber, a girl in the yellow shoes, mister e, janis, kari, jgy, skymring, elizabeth, audrey, allison, lise, cate, victoria, crescent moon, erin, otli, ida, caroline, lisa, dorte, kimmie, la lune dans le ciel, nicola, malo, vanessa, britta, april, b, kyndale samantha, karen, kristina, dorit, goldensunfamily, sophie, janet, mcgillicutty, desiree, di, travelingmama, aimee, sunnymama, amanda, ali, jenell, guusje, britta, juanita, pamela, inna, daan, myrtille, cris, ibb, susi, jodi, lily, gillian, athena, pienduzz, latisha, clairette, kelleyn, iris, demara, mus, ninja


  1. I know exactly what you mean - it's a very elusive moment and I try to catch it too but it's always difficult. And almost every night I'm worried it won't actually come, but then it does, and it's completely unnoticed again.

    And dark, quiet nights can be very daunting. Everything seems a little more scary when it's dark and quiet.

    Lovely post!

  2. Well...this could have been my secret.
    Ever since I was young I have this fear of falling asleep because of nightmares and don´t know what.
    And like you I have had periods where I waited till it wasn´t dark anymore or....kept all the lights on in the house. ;)
    So you are not alone on this. Just wish I had some sweet little babies in the house who could keep me company at night. Do you have one to spare. ;)
    big hug, Jeannette

  3. hi, I'm new to corner view and I have to say this is a secret and a half... I just wrote about cider, boo hoo!

    I really enjoyed the very honest and straigh-forward way you write about it and how well you seem to be dealing with it all! all the best!

  4. sometimes after a nightmare our son comes to our bed and i am soooo happy than, with such an little angel !
    don't feel ashamed.

  5. nigthmare sucks!! and definetly was one of really bad nigthmare you had when you were 19. i tottaly understand what you feel. it's too bad when bad dreams comes and when they look real.

    once (this year) i woke up in the middle of the night and i could swear i saw a shadow's woman in my bedroom, it was scared and i'm not someone that scared easy!!

    so, i'm glad your son could help you, maybe when he become a teenager you could tell him this story... i bet you will laugh a lot together!!!

    good dreams tonight!!

  6. I can understand that sort of fear of abandonment that comes with the wake-sleep transitioning. It can't be too good when you're a mother of three young ones and need all the rest you can get! Mercifully, I associate night time with going to bed with a book, and with peaceful sleeping, but when my husband is away in the quiet of the night I sometimes feel lonely and go through the same thinking as you do with regards to co-sleeping (though when it does happen, we all sleep even better!). I think tonight you'll have all of us sending good night wishes to you, sleep tight!

  7. wow, this is a beautiful and honest story. thank you for sharing. i definitely have come to terms with some moments in my life that i only know realize were panic attacks.

    thank you for stopping by my blog, i am excited to get to know your blog and to have a friend viewing from israel! i know the area fairly well, what city or town do you live in?

  8. I think I can understand.
    Something similar happened to me when I was younger. Many times. I've been having problems with sleeping for a long time now and I know what this fear means. There are nights when I do everything to postpone going to bed. Sometimes, i don't go at all.

    Thank you for sharing your secret and for leaving nice comments on my blog.


  9. I really love your writing! I think it's so good that you got all these thoughts and feelings out. Maybe having them kept inside and not talking about them has made them stay for so long.?. I hope the post has taken some of the weight/fear off of you and now you can welcome in some peace to replace it.

    Kids are so peaceful when they sleep. I bet they would think it's a treat to be cuddled up to you while your hubby is away. Take advantage of it!

    Happy Relaxing Day to you!

  10. Whaaaa !!! What a story !!! Sweet dreams ;)

  11. Yes, what a story... I've got a "dreamcatcher" near my bed. It came from Arizona ! Would you like to try it ??? Hugs.

  12. When my kids were babies I often sensed that they had feelings like this when they were about to fall asleep. Some kind of fear to let go. I know what you mean by being afraid for the fear itself. I 've had the same feeling - but in different situations.

  13. I hope sharing your secret will mean you get better sleep :) I have similar problems so it helps to hear I'm not alone.

  14. thank you for sharing your secrets and fears, hope you feel a little better...
    big kiss from buenos aires! :)

  15. It makes perfect sense; when I was 12 I had similar panic attacks. They only lasted for about a month and though it's a while ago I still remember being so very afraid and not being able to tell my parents what I was afraid of was so frustrating -and scary! Don't feel ashamed about co-sleeping with your little one, I'm sure he loves it and if it helps you sleeping it's a win-win situation!
    Best wishes for a relaxing night of sleep.
    Thanks for sharing this!

    oxox -Ida

  16. thank you all for your kind words. in some weird way it is also good to know i'm not alone.

    i do sleep fine most of the time. this fear rarely shows its ugly face. and i have talked about it before, but it's hard to explain, because even for me it seems so far away and unreal the day after.

    but i think your good sleep wishes are working. i slept like a baby all night. and i still feel like i could sleep a bit more. so, i think you can stop sending sleep vibes my way ;)

  17. oh, and anna, i lived in tlv since i moved to israel 7 years ago. this spring we moved to a moshav just east of qesaria and pardes hannah.

    have you been to israel yourself?

  18. hi! i have been to Israel. we toured the Galilee, which i fell in love with. I have cousins in Jerusalem and friends who used to live there (they now live in Elat), so i also stayed in Jerusalem with them and got to feel a bit more of the everyday life. how wonderful. how is a moshav compared to the big city? i'd imagine it would be very peaceful, but maybe a hard transition...??