corner view: best kept secret

i think i might have build up a momentum for this corner view, one i'm afraid i cannot live up to. oops. sorry about that :)

so, i said i would go and buy the ingredients for this - tasty - best kept secret of mine. but i didn't. i skipped grocery shopping yesterday because i was too tired. and the reason why i was tired? well, i realized that the reason why i was so tired, is in fact one of the best kept secrets about me. ohhh. and it's a dark one. ooohhhh. literally.

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i have a thing with dark, quiet nights. not very often and not always, but sometimes i have this fear of falling asleep when it's dark and quiet, and i'm all alone. which i hardly am anymore, since we're a family of five.

the summer when i was 19 and just finished high school, i was living on my own. that summer, one night, i had this dream, or feeling, like i was caught in that very moment, when you're just falling asleep, but not yet. this weird moment that you don't realize is there, unless you suddenly become aware of it, and then it's already gone. this night i got aware of it, but it didn't go away. i felt awake in a dream. and someone was in the room with me, but i couldn't move. my body had frozen. i couldn't turn around, shake myself out of it.

i am still wondering if i was frozen from fear, because i was scared beyond believe. or if the whole thing was a dream, that wouldn't let go and only faded ever so slowly, leaving me with a pounding heart and shaking hands. and this deep fear of being caught in that moment again. and sometimes that fear reappears. the fear of fearing.

i have later settled with the believe that i had a good old-fashioned anxiety attack, probably due to all the stress a kid feels when high school is over and the "real" life is set to begin.

that summer i mostly stayed awake until dawn if i was on my own. luckily it was summer, so lot's of summerhouses and vacation gave me the company of family and friends. and those nights i would be on my own, well, thank god i was in denmark, where the first light of dawn appears before 4 in the morning during the summer.

but once in a blue moon this fear of falling asleep returns. i never really talk about it, so most people don't know. the next day the fear is almost as faded and impossible to grasp as those dreams that are caught on the tip of your tongue. but it really hardly ever happens anymore. and anyway, the bedroom looks so peaceful and soft in the early morning light.

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these last two nights, being alone with the kids, i had this fear again. not big time (it helps being a tired mom). nevertheless it just felt darker and more quiet than usual in the house after the kids went to sleep. and i somehow managed to postpone bed time, despite being worn out. and when i did go to bed, my senses were all over the place.

last night i dozed off around 2, i think. then around 3 j woke and i gave him water to drink. and i asked if he wanted to sleep in our bed. while listening to him breathing, quietly, i felt at peace. and i slept good the rest of the night. but a little part of me almost felt ashamed. like it wasn't fair to use my baby to keep my own fears away in the dark night. does it make any sense?

want more secrets? there are plenty to dive into:

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