Tuesday, January 19, 2010

focus, please

i read this post by polly of sotto voce a little while back. and it stayed with me. focus should be my new mantra. ever since i lost my job i have been thinking about what to do. and thinking is the keyword here. i have so many half ideas, but cannot stay focused long enough to do much about anything.

what do i want to be when i grow up? i am getting re-acquainted with that question, but it's not a question that gets me all excited. not like back then, when the future was an eternity away and you were on a solo trip, making the all-options-open adventurous and exciting. cause if you didn't really like it, you could just do something else. right now, all-options-open makes me feel stressed out and uncomfortable. it's kind of tiring to wake up in the morning not knowing who you are, or at least who you would like to be.

i mean, i have the fundamental things pretty defined: i am a mother, a wife, a daughter and a friend. but those are all things that define me in a relation to others. which is good, can't live without that. but i have this urge to define myself in in relation to... well me. is that spoiled? unrealistic with little children, bills that need to be paid, laundry that needs to be done?

i feel a bit spoiled. especially when i compare my existential concerns to those with real problems in the world. like having your entire life literally turned into rubble and chaos in an earth quake. it feels a bit like when you were a kid and didn't want to eat and appreciate the food you were served, only to have some adult person remind you about all the starving children in africa. it makes you feel bad.

so, don't take me wrong. i do feel lucky. to have the time to struggle with existential issues and the good old who am i is pretty privileged, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating.

so, where was i? focus, that's right. i need to focus.


  1. this post was written for me. i´m also in the same exact spot. and have had the same exact thoughts. i´m sure you´ll figure it out. don´t rush it. with all your talent - it will find you. besos! p.s. oops- i always thought tush was yiddish. i grew up hearing it spoken around me- and just assumed. now i´ll have to ask someone...

  2. I need to focus...so I guess we could try it together

  3. I'm with Jane, this post was written for me too. I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up. You do have so many talents and feel the moment will come. Continue to keep us posted as you begin this new journey. Have a golden day! xo

  4. Sometimes the only way to focus is to actually try things out, however improbable things seem at first. A person is a better mother, daughter, wife etc when some of those existential questions are answered. I don't think they can be answered too early in life, youth lacks perspective. I hope you find peace, Trinsch, whatever you decide to do. Hugs.

  5. focus is important yes. when you work you do have fantastic ideas everywhere... when you lost your job, you have so many options that sometimes it is hard to choose... it always does that to me...
    you'll know. for sure !

  6. I think this post will resonate with a lot of us, it sure does with me! I am starting to believe, with myself anyway, that it is cyclical. I find something and I think "this is me" and then it evolves into something else eventually. I am starting to wonder how universal this is... :^)

    ...you will find it

  7. I have to work really hard to stay focused on one thing at a time. I'm either tired and unfocused, or full of energy and focusing on too many things. This is a really good post that resonates with a lot of people.

    The bokeh in the second photo is uh-maze-ing!

  8. i totally get this...i too am wondering what i'll be when i grow up and wondering if i have the courage to be it...or even recognize it when it comes along. sigh.