i read this post by polly of sotto voce a little while back. and it stayed with me. focus should be my new mantra. ever since i lost my job i have been thinking about what to do. and thinking is the keyword here. i have so many half ideas, but cannot stay focused long enough to do much about anything.
what do i want to be when i grow up? i am getting re-acquainted with that question, but it's not a question that gets me all excited. not like back then, when the future was an eternity away and you were on a solo trip, making the all-options-open adventurous and exciting. cause if you didn't really like it, you could just do something else. right now, all-options-open makes me feel stressed out and uncomfortable. it's kind of tiring to wake up in the morning not knowing who you are, or at least who you would like to be.
i mean, i have the fundamental things pretty defined: i am a mother, a wife, a daughter and a friend. but those are all things that define me in a relation to others. which is good, can't live without that. but i have this urge to define myself in in relation to... well me. is that spoiled? unrealistic with little children, bills that need to be paid, laundry that needs to be done?
i feel a bit spoiled. especially when i compare my existential concerns to those with real problems in the world. like having your entire life literally turned into rubble and chaos in an earth quake. it feels a bit like when you were a kid and didn't want to eat and appreciate the food you were served, only to have some adult person remind you about all the starving children in africa. it makes you feel bad.
so, don't take me wrong. i do feel lucky. to have the time to struggle with existential issues and the good old who am i is pretty privileged, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating.
so, where was i? focus, that's right. i need to focus.