Wednesday, April 28, 2010

just love them

this guy can be so thoughtful, so serious, so sensitive. he's going through a "shy" phase. not so much strangers as when he meets someone that was and is important to him that he didn't see for a while. after having seen his old nanny, that now lives in denmark, and his old daycare "mom", now living in hong kong, over pesach it's as if he has become a bit extra dependent on me. i have a feeling he's holding on to the "sure thing", after he was reminded of the people that he lost in some way.


thank you all so very much for your comments and thoughts to my last post. except the very practical language barrier problem, i think the hardest part about dealing with issues like this, is that we feel torn. on one hand i feel like they are perfect just the way they are, they are happy and not causing problems, as i said. so then i think, why "work" on them, why make them into a problem? shouldn't we not just give them time to develop in their own pace, their own way, and if they end up having some issues, well, then let's take it then. and in this sense issues should be defined as something they themselves are not happy with, not what we or any authority defines as a problem.

then on the other hand i feel that i might not be helping them if i don't acknowledge that they have problems with language, to construct and use language, to communicate and explain themselves. we already take them to speech therapist, but what if that is not enough? they also seem to have problems with focus and attention, and they don't respond well to general explanations and information given to a larger group. so maybe it would be irresponsible not to step in now before they end up suffering from not understanding what is going on, not being able to express themselves?

i do believe that most of (but not all) their attention and focus issues relate to a lack of language, and probably also maturity in general. but i am not sure whether "giving it time" will be the best approach, whether we need to step in and help them more to make sure they will not create social habits that will make them unhappy, that is, give them a fundamental feeling of being outside.

then there is the fact that our decision on how to approach this might collide with that of the institutions around us. if we go against the suggestions of their kindergarten for example, then it might be a problem having them there. are we willing to pull them out, start them somewhere else, and if yes, what do we then want for them? and what is there in the area where we live? we have been all over the place, considering homeschooling (or more like it "homekindergartening"), kindergarten for special need children, trying just another type of kindergarten, staying where they are with extra help etc. everything seems to have pros and cons, and i am really confused. and then of course there's that extra little catch, that what might be good for one, might not be for the other. i have not distinguished between them here, but obviously they are not the same, but i am really struggling with the thought of separating them. i feel they belong together.

the other day i completely freaked, because i wanted "to do something". the thing is, i am not sure i can do anything before i have settled my own struggles on the matter. every time i talk to someone close to the kids, to friends, or to "specialists", i tend to question the feeling i had the moment before. and the same goes for my husband. sometimes this feeling makes me doubt myself and my parenting. i am their mother, shouldn't i know them best, what is right for them and what they need? why am i confused and feeling insecure?

i have this feeling that we are gambling. whatever we do there's no way to say "sorry, that didn't work, it was a mistake, we'll try this now". or i guess there is, but everything we do will have a consequence, so i just wish i felt more sure about it. then i could at least say that i did what i truly believed was best. i guess, i am looking for some sort of safety net, but life doesn't have that.

anyway, we're on the path, there are some bumps, but i do realize that the most important thing is to show your children how much you love them. so in all my confusion, that is my mantra and guide: just love them.


  1. nice post, keep blogging,... by the way what kind of flower is that....

  2. your words are so moving...
    in a different way, i had a lot of interrogations about solal too.
    I know how it feels to know that every step and decision you make will have consequences.
    but you are so right, all that really matters is love.
    again sending you way sweets thoughts.

    ps: i love these photos as i told you on flickr:)

  3. love reading yr blog and all pictures were so great!

  4. Oh my goodness a sweet adorable face that can add a ray of sunshine to any rainy day. Enjoy my friend!xo

  5. I home school my 8 year old son and have found it to be a splendid opportunity for both he and myself. He is learning at his own pace....which is advanced in some things and not so advanced in others.
    Boys learn at a different rate of speed than girls. Their attention span is not quite as developed especially when they are very young. They have trouble concentrating and maintaining focus. So some of the issue with your boys may be completely normal and when you combine that with a language issue~voila!
    You are their mother and know them best.....homeschooling is wonderful but it is time consuming and it takes dedication and perseverance.....but perhaps something you may want to look into. As your children seem perfectly fine but only need a little more time and maybe a different teaching approach or style to suit the way they learn. There are so many wonderful curriculum selections geared for every type of child and their mother who just also happens to be their teacher.
    Good luck dear with whatever you choose to do. And~don't let yourself be intimidated or pushed in a direction you do not choose to go in.. (By the way I also have a 21 year old daughter and a 16 year old son~the private school he attended thought he had severe learning issues at 7~as his mother I thought he had boredom issues~they really felt he needed to be tested~he tested out perfect~he needed to mature.....and was.....bored~today~he is an A student....when he wants to be ;) Take care~Love.

  6. Such a beautiful child.

    Your words echo my own thoughts and struggles from years ago. I mentioned in a previous post that I had home schooled my daughter. This decision, like all decisions we make as parents, was not made easily or without doubt and confusion. I think we have doubt and confusion precisely BECAUSE we are their mothers, because we love them so much and we feel that, not KNOWING the perfect way to go, we are gambling with their lives.

    Yet I believe that your love will show you the right way. I was always comforted by a verse of scripture that said, " Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." We will make mistakes as parents. But you are so thoughtfully considering each step and you will find the right way for each of your children.

    Just a note in closing because you mentioned home schooling for kindergarten: I read many books before making the decision to home school (and even then it was a year- to -year decision, based on how my daughter was doing in all areas of her life). There is an interesting book called, "Better Late Than Early" by Raymond Moore. It explores the premise that children before the age of 8 can develop better at home, at their own pace, and that when given that opportunity, actually catch up and often surpass their peers once they begin formal schooling. If you are interested you can read about the book on Amazon. Some of the book reviews there are helpful, as well.

  7. Sorry I don't have any good advice but I have you in my thoughts. Follow your mama instinct, I don't think you can go wrong then.

  8. These photos are treasures. Such sweetness and beauty...

    You sound like a sensitive mom who knows instinctively what to do. Trust yourself...

  9. I'm confident that whatever you choose to do, your children will thrive, because they have you for a mother, watching out for them. It's hard to choose a path when none stand out as the perfect right path, but as long as you stay away from what you instinctly feel is wrong, whatever your decision, it can be made to work for your children, without being stressful for them. Just watch, listen and love.

  10. it is what you say sweetie, just love em. love and attention. lots of hugs and time togheter.

    our boy is a sensitive one to. i have to have a close 'eye' on him.
    hm.. would say much more to you. my english wont do i am afraid,,

    bug hug instead

  11. This sounds so overwhelming, Trine!
    I don't have kids but being a nanny for years now, I do have first hand look into the whole stressful world of 'what-to-do-when-and-how-and-why' situation.
    I'm sure that whatever you do, it'll be the right thing for your boys. Like you said yourself; lots and lots of love. Perfect mantra :-)

    Åhh, og de der brune brune øjne!! Han er jo lige til at spise :-)

  12. beautiful pictures. and very strong words.
    i am not a mother, but i think it is important to remember that you are (as we all are) growing and developing with your task. as a parent, you are improving and polishing your skills all the time. there is no static point of knowing it all, being sure and settled. but rather a constant search, a constant questioning. and that is fine. to not know. and like you say, the most essential thing i believe is that they feel loved. if that is there base, so many amazing things can grow out of it. take care.

  13. Trine, we all have our own experiences and wisdom to share, but I'm not sure that what's good for one mom is good for another too. And probably this is the point: when you talk about the development of a child, there's usually no good general rule, and many individual cases. Between age 0 to 14 there's so much difference in how personal history, genetics, growth etc interact in the development of a child! I tend to mistrust institutions and their grasp of a child's psychology, just because by definition, they tend to group kids by age and judge and compare them according to charts and statistics.
    I've read a million books on children development and seen many specialists (long story having to do with my first born and a diagnosis of Asperger syndrome), and what really spoke and helped me is the anthroposophy approach that comes from Steiner's pedagogy and perspectives (which focus on the individual.)
    I found this an EXCELLENT overview:
    but also, this classic (not an anthroposophic point of view) is a real gem:
    Also, have you considered consulting someone in your own country? (I know about how difficult it would be just as a one off thing, but still ... a good chat in your own language may be worth the trying). You're in my thoughts.

  14. wow, that's a LONG comment, sorry ... hope you've got time to read it:)

  15. i totally, completely, thoroughly, wholeheartedly relate to every bit of what you've written here!